This book should be read by the psychotherapists for whom it is intended and also by anyone, male or female, who wishes to better understand why men are the way we are.
David Wexler draws on a wealth of research and his own experience as a father, a husband, and a man who doesn’t understand women to offer guidance to therapists seeking new ways to help their male clients.
If the book has a limitation, it is that, while it is brilliant at clarifying the male mind of the last two generations, it hardly speaks to today’s young men who, in my opinion, differ from their fathers and grandfathers in that they have few difficulties. to express yourself. emotions, change diapers or acknowledge their feelings.
Those older men were raised not to show emotion, to hold back tears and never admit vulnerability or sensitivity. As a consequence, Wexler writes, when they are upset they don’t even acknowledge feelings of loss, sadness and depression, for example. Instead, they experience anger.
A man’s anger, arising from fear of abandonment by a woman, only serves to alienate the very person he loves. In the chapter on relationships, Wexler offers guidance on how to deal with underlying fears that such a man is not even aware of.
Several chapters have lists of Rules. In the section on Men Who Abuse Women, the author offers Nine Rules. The first is excellent (although modern men, despite being in tune with their feelings or perhaps because of it, seem to largely ignore it): “We are all 100% responsible for our own behavior.”
But how can a misogynistic guy who beats his wife accept Rule Two: “Violence is not an acceptable solution to problems”? The United States is immersed in violence as a solution to problems. This was the fundamental reason for the birth of the United States. It’s what the white hat cowboys wore against the black hats. It is the excuse to invade Grenada, Iraq, Afghanistan. It is the justification for the right to bear arms.
While the book covers a lot of territory, something about the author’s justification for his credentials in writing the chapter “When Women Treat Men” made me uneasy. He admits, “I feel a bit uncomfortable writing this chapter. I would feel presumptuous (as a white male) writing a chapter on the experiences African-American therapists face in treating white men…” [Although there is a chapter on white males treating “Men of Color”]. He then goes on to proclaim “…over the years I have supervised many female therapists, I have co-led groups with many female therapists, I have reviewed many articles on this topic written by female therapists, I myself have been in therapy with female therapists, and I have a wife who is a female therapist”.
The many other instances of the author’s self-disclosure allow the (male) reader to identify with familiar themes, for example, doubts about being a good father to his son.
Wexler’s extensive experience treating men individually and in groups infuses the text with a wealth of illuminating explanation made memorable by its terse labels (for example, Mom’s “Broken Mirror” failing to reflect back to her son what child longs to see), lists (eg, “The Four Pillars of Intimacy”), and references to books, movies, and television shows (particularly The Sopranos).
Each chapter is an independent piece. Not surprisingly, as the chapter on depression is largely taken from an earlier book by Wexler and the first chapter seems to be a full research paper with choppy reading because almost every sentence ends with a reference.
Wexler warns about transference and countertransference. But elements of many psychological approaches other than psychoanalysis are intertwined in the text. Such as attachment theory, cognitive dissonance, dominance and control, feminist theory, family systems, CBT, and even Zen Buddhism.
I am so impressed with this book that I have prescribed it to several clients who want to better understand the men in their lives.