A woman we’ll call Emily once confided in us that she felt a sense of relief in the morning when her husband, Brad, left for work. The problem started with the fact that they operated on very different hours. She was a morning person, she would get up early to get ready for her day and consume (as she jokingly estimates) about three cups of coffee. When Emily, who preferred to sleep until the last minute before it was time to get the kids ready for school, was awake, he was hooked up to caffeine and ready to speak, pontificate, or even lecture on politics, things that they happened. at his work or whatever else he was concentrating on that morning. Emily was the most convenient target.
The result? Emily, sleepy and decaffeinated, still not quite ready to talk about anything, much less world events, felt herself being assaulted with morning tirades and waited for her to respond. At this hour, all she could think about was making breakfast for the children.
Plus, and here’s the bottom line, she just wasn’t, on a personal level, as interested in some of her favorite topics as she was. Even at night when he got home, some of the same problems would resurface. He was fascinated by the rapid development of faster and smarter computers. He had strong political leanings. A school teacher, he was frustrated by public policies in education that he felt were not the best for the children he taught. The list went on, and when Emily seemed bored (because she certainly was sometimes), he became frustrated.
Couples, even the most compatible among us, cannot be expected to agree or feel equally passionate about all topics, so their problem wasn’t that unusual, but neither was the solution that complicated. One day Emily just tried to explain to Brad that she agreed with almost everything he said about politics etc. (although he also admitted that his interest in computer technology was almost nil). It’s just that she didn’t feel that strongly for them and had different ways of expressing her opinions. He added that the morning speeches in particular felt like an assault on his senses.
At first, Brad felt hurt and accused her of not being interested in the world around her, but she encouraged him to seek out friends and colleagues with similar beliefs or even to get involved in local politics – a win-win situation. , because I could try to take action on it. the things he believed in while finding new outlets for his passionate feelings for them.
In a healthy relationship, your partner is often the go-to person to listen to your frustrations, beliefs, and observations about what’s going on in and out of your personal life. But it often doesn’t work for them to be the only way out, especially when their passions don’t line up perfectly.
As for their difference in time preferences, that was the easiest to resolve. Emily admitted to being guilty of doing the opposite: tending to pick the last possible hour, when Brad was ready for bed, to raise issues about the kids’ schools, a leak in the roof, or whatever happened. she mind. They both agreed to accept that Emily wasn’t eager to talk before 7 a.m., and that Brad finished the day at 10:30 p.m.
Respecting that you have different communication styles (as well as circadian rhythms) and working to find other people who share your zeal for different topics can take a lot of pressure from your partner and relationship, so instead of focusing on your differences, you can celebrate them while you are. focus on what you have in common.