If you take the word ‘WE’ and flip it over, it becomes ‘I’. That’s pretty good in itself; but ME can be a very lonely place.
Till death do us part seems a long way off when vows are first said. Even as the years go by, we never want to face the fact that one day one of us will be gone. I think from the beginning we are all in a constant state of denial.
My benchmark is 37 years of a wonderful and fulfilling relationship. Certainly there were ups and downs and ins and outs, but we know things happen ~~ LIFE HAPPENS! And now, on reflection, the ins and outs and the ups and downs seem very insignificant.
Initially there is this ‘Complaints Process’ that we have all learned about; Shock and denial, grief and guilt, anger, depression and the list goes on. Well, I will tell you that I discovered that these feelings and emotions do not come in any chronological order. In fact, personally, he was determined not to entertain any of them, ever, at all. Why? Because I thought I had everything under control and I knew where my husband was (resting in the arms of the Master). That said, why should you be angry or depressed or feel pain or guilt? NOT SO!
In my determination not to allow myself to go through this ‘so-called’ grieving process, I soon realized that I had done myself a great disservice. To my surprise and dismay, all of these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.
I heard or read somewhere that tort is like a “roller coaster.” SO TRUE. She picks you up, then drops you. It goes round and round, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind in a fog.
The life I experienced with my husband ‘wasn’t a bad ride’, but his passing put me on that ‘roller coaster’. There were times when it seemed like he could finally move on and rise. Then suddenly out of nowhere would come a sight or a sound or a song or a smell or an image that would remind me of my husband~~~ and the roller coaster hurtles down, and I found myself falling back to where he I was.
Back to ~ It just can’t be….
Back to ~ I want everything to go back to the way it used to be….
Back to ~ I’m really not ready to let go…..
Around me, people go on as if life is normal. And here I am thinking how can all of you (in your now normal and perfect world) act like nothing happened? My husband is dead! Life can never be normal again! Well, I soon realized that this wasn’t everyone else’s world, this was my world.
You may have had a similar experience. People around you live as if everything is normal~~ but not everything is normal for you. Your world has been turned upside down and the pain can seem unbearable. But please know that you really will get over it. When? You may ask~~~ believe me, “when” is not a factor. We all progress at different levels.
Unlike what I did, allow yourself to cry and I mean cry however you want (yell, scream, cry, whatever). Just allow yourself to remember and reflect as is best for you.
Don’t rush and don’t let people rush you. Share the pain of your grievance with safe people who will truly listen to you and truly appreciate what you have lost. Every time you open up and share with someone (who really understands) you are slowly letting go of the pain. And as you let go of the pain~~ you allow the healing to take place.
I have come to see grievance disappear little by little ~~ moment by moment, day by day ~ for as long as it takes. You need to focus on all the good things about your spouse and your marriage, because I’ll tell you right now, most of the things I got mad at and upset about with my husband, I could probably put on a thimble.
Please understand that there will always be a warm place in your heart that you can never replace. But please know that his heart is big enough to love again. You’ll get to a point where you really want to ‘and’ need to move on.
After almost six years since the loss of my husband, I finally reached a turning point in my grief. A very dear friend re-entered my life after almost 40 years. I found myself laughing again and felt a glimmer of joy; I was realizing that yes, I can do it and I will do it! I’m ready to rebuild~~
Rebuilding our lives really begins the moment we lose our loved one. However, rebuilding doesn’t begin in earnest until we’ve worked through most of the feelings, memories, and issues that resulted from our loss. When we have sifted and sorted through all these feelings and emotions, only then do we have the strength and foundation to start putting our whole self back into life and look to the future.