While dating, most couples try to look their best physically and try to get along and have a good time. Some couples love to talk about deep topics and keep up with each other and life in their minds. Does this description fit you?
As the relationship develops and you get married, you’ll probably naturally begin to take your partner for granted. It can be common for any of you to neglect your appearance. When that happens, you can gain a lot of weight, become sloppy with personal care or hygiene, or not take care of yourself in a healthy or attractive way. Sometimes either of you can excuse yourself due to your busy career or other life responsibilities.
These actions or lack of actions can put your spouse off and give the impression that you don’t value your relationship very much. Neither response is desirable. One way they can check for these possibilities is to see if they really feel confident about their appearance when around other people they respect and value.
Another common relational problem is that you may no longer be in touch or have become disconnected from some of the things you used to enjoy. You may need these activities to keep yourself interested in life. I’m thinking of things like having hobbies, going for walks together, taking classes, meeting friends, and of course having fun with the kids if you have them.
At this point, I am referring to the importance of each of you doing individual activities as well as activities together. Both are very important, as research studies show. Often, if you don’t take the time to take care of yourself, you start to get “old” and “boring” even to yourself. Naturally, this status is also not attractive to your spouse.
Remember to stay engaged with life and interests! Creating a balance of time together, recharging time alone, and time with family or friends can be challenging in our busy lives. But it is very important to prioritize.
Often, as I have worked with hundreds of couples, I find that one or both spouses are no longer doing anything for fun or interest. Each of us may have fallen into the pattern of going to work, sleeping and eating, and then doing it all over again. Usually, at that time, everyone can feel depressed and trapped. Sometimes one or the other may even think a new relationship is needed when the issue may not even be about the relationship.
The arrival of children complicates self-care. While there are times when it seems impossible to do everything, none of it will matter if you lose the foundation of your family by losing your marriage. It’s the rock your family stands on, not the kids.
Becoming a detective of yourself leads to self-awareness and self-care
Becoming a detective of yourself can be an important tool that leads you to take better care of both your relationship and yourself.
Most of the time, when couples come to see me about their marriage, the concern is not just about the marriage but about each of their “own things” that are affecting their marriage.
Sometimes when people say they want a divorce, they are at a critical point in their personal lives. are ready to do a major life change and they don’t think they can do it and stay married too.
Surprisingly, as we look into the presumed future together, often those who said they wanted a divorce have never shared their wishes with their spouse. They simply assume that their spouse would never support them in their dreams.
Happily, numerous times together we have discovered that your spouse is relieved and happy to support their partner in their dreams. The good news is that these couples can rebuild their marriage.
As mentioned above, in many other cases, it turns out that neither of you wants to get a divorce. Very often it turns out they just want the pain of marriage to stop.
Then they are able to move on create a new marriage with same person. It still amazes me to be a part of these “miraculous” changes over and over again.
Another way to become a detective yourself is asking, “Where in my body do I store my stress?” Often wherever you store it is a lifelong habit.
Some people have stomach aches, headaches, tight muscles in the shoulders or neck, back pain, etc.
One of the ways you can find out quickly is to practice deep breathing. As you discover where you store your stress, you can at the same time relieve or relax some of it through that process of deep breathing.
Become aware of your internal dialogue
You can also become aware of what you are saying to yourself in your head. It is one of the best ways to take better care of yourself.
Many people are not aware of their internal dialogue. We all talk to ourselves; And unless we’ve worked to change it, nearly 100 percent of our self-talk is very negative, and sometimes even downright bad.
Take care of yourself by countering or replacing self-talk, and use the words you would use with a good friend going through the same situation.
You can see for yourself the power of your thoughts and internal dialogue. One way you can experiment is to simply think of a negative event and tune in to your feelings and next thoughts. You will notice how almost instantly you can get upset and make yourself feel bad.
Tea the good news is that you can use that same power to get up Purposefully saying the words to yourself that you would say to a good friend who is going through a tough time.
Deep breathing it’s another way to take care of yourself when you’re tired or stressed. Most of us are not aware of how we automatically start taking quick, short, shallow breaths when we are stressed or tired.
Experience how deep breathing brings fresh oxygen to your brain and helps you start feeling better in no time. You can start by counting to 5 while inhaling as much air as possible, hold it for 5, and then let it out as slowly as possible in 5. If you do this several times, you’ll find that it helps.
If you can think of your stomach as a flat balloon, it is inflating as you draw in your breath. Then, you hold it, and then you let it out very slowly, at the same time and you think about becoming a rag doll. In the last year, technologists have been able to image the oxygen traveling through a person’s body to the brain! Pretty impressive!
write or keep a journal is also an awesome tool. If she hasn’t tried it for her marriage and is struggling with very strong reactions and almost overwhelming feelings, it’s a worthwhile option.
Writing gets to thoughts and feelings that for some reason you can’t seem to access by thinking alone. The experiences of many clients, in addition to my own, have taught me the power of writing. It works so much better than just having your thoughts go round and round in your brain in an unproductive circle, using a rhythm!
Some people don’t want to start writing because they worry that someone will read what they write. I encourage people to use a shredder after expressing their thoughts if they are concerned.
I also encourage everyone to keep the “action” or “what are my options now” part when writing or journaling, which is how I encourage you to finish your entries.
It helps you stop feeling like a “victim” of your situation or circumstances when you look at the options you have. You’ll even see the small steps you can start taking right away to gradually lead you to the things you really want in your life.
There is another reason some people don’t want to journal and feel it will become a requirement. The good news is that there is no rule. You only write when you want, when something extra good or extra bad happens and you think it could help you write about it.
Writing or keeping a journal is a great I thought I’d clarify! You can see things in a way you’ve never seen before when you just thought about what was bothering you over and over again.
There are so many ways and styles of journaling, you can’t keep a journal wrong Prayed incorrectly. Whatever helps you is the best way.
A simple way to keep a journal is to ask yourself:
What am I stressing or upset or depressed for now?
After freewriting on that question for a while, often after just a few pages, something may come up that you didn’t even know was bothering you because it was out of your awareness. This idea can be helpful as it can make you realize why you were feeling upset.
The following question will help you make an action plan:
What are my options now??
Although these action steps may not completely resolve the issue, they will be positive actions you can start to take. the next day to move in a positive direction.
Another Approach to Journaling What can be helpful is to think about all the feelings you had during that day. As you think about all your feelings, pick one or two of the strongest ones and write about them. Think about what happened just before that feeling hit you or what you were thinking before that feeling hit you.
This approach is another way to check how you may be unnecessarily bothering yourself. In this way, you can change your patterns to avoid saying hurtful things that lead to depression or destroy your relationship.
You can learn to nurture your relationships and yourself. You can do this by becoming aware of your own predictable patterns – their “dance steps”, clothing, Prayed grooves – and how you automatically act or react to various situations.
Think about the things that have worked successfully for you in the past. Also, start using some new ways to communicate and conversation tools and new actions you can take with your spouse.
Although no one should make important decisions based on their feelings or emotions, the feelings we are experiencing can be tracks to some of the needs we have. Stopping long enough to tune into them can help you to stay in contact with what is happening within you personally. It can also help you stay in touch with what’s really going on in your relationship.
Give you a “time out” it is one of the communication tools you can use to avoid saying hurtful things that will lead to the destruction of your relationship.
daily about your disagreement is also a great tool to use during the beginning of an argument between the two of you as a couple. As each of you learns to take some time for yourselves Before you get into the thick of a fight, you’ll find that you can often avoid it. Keeping a journal is a great tool to help you clear your thoughts and calm down so that you are ready to have a peaceful conversation together later.
Many times your anger has little or nothing to do with your spouse and can destroy your relationship if not stopped. At the very least, she could possibly share her writing to better explain herself later if she wishes.
How do you handle your own anger when it arises? Are you a slow burn until you erupt like a volcano? Are you an instant tantrum or a bulldozer?
Have you trained yourself to be responsible for your own anger responses?
Some guys who explode learn to take a “time out” before they explode. They take the time to examine what is really going on with them and gradually write about it or dissipate their discomfort without taking it out on others.
In closing, I hope you are willing to experiment with some of these practical ways to better understand yourself and your spouse and begin to experience a closer connection and deeper love for one another.