How do you show a speaker that you are really listening to what they are saying?
When we talk to someone, the actual words we choose convey part of the meaning, but only part. Much of the meaning is conveyed by tone of voice and physical expression, especially undertones of sarcasm, emotion, or humor. Make sure your tone of voice and body language demonstrate a full understanding of the nuances of the speaker’s tone of voice.
Empathic paraphrasing measures
Your empathic paraphrasing is totally interchangeable when the speaker feels they have captured your thoughts and feelings exactly. It often coincides with an excited burst of energy or a “Yeah!” enthusiastic.
subtractive:
The most common way your paraphrase will be inaccurate: You don’t capture all of the speaker’s key ideas. That is, the paraphrase has subtracted something from what was said. The speaker says, “I’m worried about A, B, and C.” The paraphrased says: “You are concerned about A and B.”
Additive:
The next most likely way your paraphrasing will be inaccurate: We listen to what we want to hear and focus on our own ideas. Then we add statements that the speaker did not make. The speaker: “I’m worried about A, B, and C.” The paraphrased reads: “You are concerned with A, B, C, L, and R.”
interpretative:
Instead of paraphrasing what was said, offer your interpretation of what you think the speaker meant. You hear A, B and C and say “I have the impression that what you are really talking about is G”.
interpretive paraphrase
Interpretive paraphrasing is a double-edged sword. Playing the speaker too early often makes him think you’re not listening, that you’re more in love with your own theories than the speaker’s thoughts.
First, understand the needs and perspective of the other. This not only validates your business partner or customer and builds trust, but also allows you to better align your ideas, solutions or products with their needs or values. The result: deeper satisfaction with the interaction, a better relationship, and a higher probability of association.
artful interruption
As we begin to paraphrase more deeply, we often cannot remember everything the speaker has said. The solution is to interrupt the speaker before he fills up our “buffer”. Speakers don’t mind being interrupted if their purpose is solely to paraphrase for understanding. “Excuse me, I want to make sure I do it right. Do you think that…”
How to cleverly interrupt:
1. Use a gesture – a signal to “wait” for a moment:
– Give the time-out signal with a smile.
– Make a sharp cutting gesture.
– Rise your hand.
2. Turn up the volume to “overdrive” the speaker.
3. Give your face an expression of expectation, excitement, alarm, or concern.
4. Lean closer, suddenly.
5. Use a phrase:
– “Let me make sure I get this…”
– “I want to understand this…”
– “So you’re saying that…”
– “Aah, I think I get it! You…”
parrot
Start sharpening your paraphrasing skills. Practice “repeating” what another person says: every thought uttered, using as many of your exact words as possible. That is, it will try to repeat exactly what is said. As we move towards the full model, it won’t be quite so literal. Instead, you’ll capture the gist of what’s being said using the speaker’s key words.
1. LISTEN
Phase 1 of the process occurs when you listen to another person.
to talk.
2. PARROTS
Repeat as many of the other person’s exact words as possible.
3.CHECK
Make sure you have accurately captured each other’s thoughts. Check, “Is that
right?” Interpret anything that is not an unequivocal yes as “no”. Try again.
paraphrase with empathy
Paraphrase in a way that captures “the gist” of all the important points the speaker is making. Use the key words of the speakers. (We are all more comfortable with our own words and know what we mean by them.) Work to ensure that your tone of voice, gestures, and energy level match the speaker’s.
When should I paraphrase?
Paraphrase:
1. To make sure you understand the other party. If there is any doubt about its meaning, paraphrase. The act of paraphrasing can help you piece together seemingly disparate pieces of content into a coherent concept. Often the meaning of the speaker will only become clear to you when you try to paraphrase it.
2. To show the other party that you really DO understand what they are saying. An interchangeable paraphrase is the only technique we know of that will do this.
3. To build the report. People like to feel understood.
4. When the situation is emotionally charged. This helps defuse the conflict. When the other party feels that they have been heard and understood, they tend to feel calmer and more open to her point of view.
5. To listen more closely. When your mind wanders, remember to “get ready to paraphrase.” Making a strong paraphrase is rewarding.
6. To play the speaker’s message. This is useful if what they have said doesn’t make sense or seems absurd. Once they hear it, they often rephrase it into a more cohesive message.
7. When you hear emotional language and emotional buttons. The speaker brings up these points because they have strong feelings. When you paraphrase indistinctly, the speaker will feel satisfied that you “got it.” For example:
We are excited about…
We fight with…
– I have been a loyal customer for 5 years and now you…
– I put my ass on the line and now…
emphatic tone
People don’t give enough weight to the “empathic” aspect of empathic paraphrasing. An empathic paraphrase is characterized by “empathy”; that is the ability to understand the situation, feelings and emotions of others. Many of us start by remembering what the other said, but we are unable to capture the emotional tone of the speaker. Empathy supports our ability to connect with another person and respond in a way that builds deeper relationships.
If you repeat the speaker’s words in a dispassionate and factual tonality, you have not paraphrased empathically. Listen to the speaker’s emotions, feelings, and desires, then tone the speaker’s voice and use your face and gesture in a way that reflects your understanding of the speaker’s emotional state.
If another person is very emotional, showing your own emotion while paraphrasing is appropriate. However, in other situations, you can get into trouble simply mirroring the speaker’s emotion. If someone is expressing fear or anger, echoing these sentiments will only add to the unpleasant feelings. Instead, perhaps softening your voice to a soft tone that reflects a confident calm, will support them with reassurance.
If you are expressing intense anger, paraphrasing with intense concern or regret will ensure that you understand how strongly you feel.
to listen
Practice the technique at work with colleagues, in social situations, or at home with the family. Notice how people tend to respond when they feel like you’re really listening and understanding.
These techniques have made our interactions more fruitful and smoothed out challenging customer exchanges. Give it a try.