What do you do if your best is not good enough?
It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for a while. Years actually, while I’ve been running around trying to create a life for myself and those I love. In my family, I have done my best to make everyone happy; keep them safe, teach them good values and put my children on the right path. At work, I try to learn new skills, develop leads, showcase my clients’ talents, work hard to build their business while keeping mine. And in a new relationship, I’m trying to be authentic, honest and not let the past dictate my future.
Emphasis on trying on all of those examples because I don’t know how well I’m doing on any of them. I worry that my best attempts aren’t good enough. In fact, this last week I have had to accept that they are not.
I forgot permission slips and pizza money for school parties. I don’t give my kids as much attention as I should – they watch too much TV and use up too many Wii batteries. I haven’t finished the renovation projects that started before my separation; and some days, I can’t tell what color my rug is under the LEGOS, football cards, and Star Wars toys. I spend weeks on autopilot, never fully present at any moment with anyone because my to-do list is in my head.
And all my energy spread out too much has caused a number of problems in my life. Feelings of failure wash over me at odd times and it seems like depression is always lurking around the corner, waiting for one more shoe to drop. I haven’t laughed with my friends in months and my new relationship had to bear the brunt of my recent pity party. The most dramatic thing is that my children are acting strangely: the normal growing pains of development are mixed with the reality of divorce, but they are terribly painful for all of us.
So with this new reality… the idea that my best is not good enough… I’m making some changes in my behavior and perspective.
I will let go of the little things. Clothes can stay in the clean basket until needed; on hot summer nights, dinner can be cold cereal. The time I spend neglecting those tasks I can dedicate to playing soccer with my children. I’ll leave my cell phone off so I’m not texting, caught up in a moment that’s not in front of me. And I will remember that summer vacation is only for a few more weeks. And soon I’ll have the routine and work schedule back, but I won’t have these extended moments with my family.
I intend to continue to do my best, but now my best will be better. She will be focused, attentive and in tune with what really matters in my life. I will discover that place between perfection and chaos, where things will be as they will be. And most importantly, I’ll give myself a little slack. Because I know that I can be my worst enemy.