I have read numerous parenting books written by psychologists and doctors who claim to have all the answers. None of those books impressed me or helped me be a better parent. White Oleander, which is not a parenting book at all, but simply great fiction, affected me deeply and had a tremendous effect on my life. It helped me see the world through my daughter’s eyes, experience her feelings, and understand the painful need that children have for their parents’ attention, approval, and most of all, the love of their parents.
White Oleander is a story about a girl, Astrid, whose mother is incarcerated for murder. Astrid goes through a series of foster homes and five foster mothers. Each of her “mothers” has a different personality and attitude to life, and it is amazing and completely compelling how Astrid changes with each mother: her behavior, her beliefs, her clothes, her ambitions, her self-confidence and her esteem. In one house she becomes a devout Catholic, in another she smokes marijuana and contemplates suicide. In a matter of weeks, with a loving new “mother”, Astrid becomes a good student, takes professional art classes, goes to museums, and plans to go to college. Her vision of herself goes through gradual but dramatic transformations depending on how her “mother” sees her.
Her real mother is a constant shadow in Astrid’s life. They write to each other, and even in letters it’s so obvious that Astrid is desperately trying to win her mother’s approval. When you don’t get the approval you crave, you no longer want it, you just want a shock, a reaction. Although Astrid’s mother says she loves her daughter, Astrid is unconvinced and is looking for that proof until she is an adult.
Just as some people are too selfish to marry, unfortunately some mothers are too selfish to have children. They put their own interests above those of their children. Some people, and many of them are mothers, enjoy having another person under their control that they can emotionally dominate and manipulate. That was the case with Astrid’s real mother.
It’s interesting to see how Astrid struggles to come to terms with the fact that even though she loves her mother, she doesn’t like her and doesn’t agree with the decisions her mother made in her life. It takes a lot of introspection and maturity for him to realize that he is not his mother and that he does not have to repeat his mother’s mistakes.
This book is a must read for all mothers and daughters, for all fathers and all children, who are now fathers. It helped me better understand my relationship with my mother and all the feelings and emotions that I experienced growing up. It also made me almost painfully aware of how dependent my young daughters are on my behavior, my words and reactions, and how much all of us, adults and children alike, yearn for our mother’s love.