When you are separated and desperately want to reconcile, you want hope every time you see encouraging behavior from your spouse. So every time he calls or sees you and things are going well, it’s natural to expect that this means you’re on your way to a reconciliation. But often, your hopes and feelings are so delicate that as soon as there is a comment or event that you don’t understand or that doesn’t go your way, then you can begin to wonder if you are only seeing reality through the veil. of hope. And this is when you can start to fear that you are being cheated on.
A wife might explain, “I did everything wrong at the beginning of my breakup. I was calling multiple times a day and picking fights. It wasn’t until my husband threatened to cut me out of his life entirely that I stopped. Things have gotten a lot better. He’s started coming regularly. We watch movies, hug and laugh. Last weekend, he asked me if I wanted to sleep over at his place, but unfortunately I couldn’t say yes because I live quite far from him. and there was no one to let my pets out. They couldn’t spend the night without being let out to use the bathroom, so I had to leave late at night for that reason. Lately though, I’ve been asking my husband to come to our house for the night or a weekend. His response is that he’s just not ready for that. This confuses me. It’s okay for me to spend the night with him, but he won’t come home. I guess he sees that I stay at his house m as we sleep together while he watches I’m coming home as a potentially reconciler. I can only speculate that he is not ready to take that leap. But this hurts and confuses me. Sometimes he talks about our future. He has asked me to go on a family trip with his parents and this gives me hope. But then I start to doubt everything and wonder if he just asked because he knows his mom loves me and he just wants to keep up appearances. And that’s when I start to wonder if he’s just cheating on me. Maybe he likes having me around to have a good time and help boost his ego, but he has no intention of making up with me. What if he’s just cheating on me?”
I can understand why you fear this. I think every wife in this situation has these doubts. I had them. But, you have to ask yourself if these thoughts are serving you or just making things worse.
Why you should focus on progress instead of the immediate future: Think of it this way. If you follow that train of thought and decide that he’s just cheating on you, then you might be tempted to start pushing him or you might walk away in fear of getting hurt. Will any of these things get you closer to your goal of reconciliation? Probably not. In fact, they would probably take him further away from his target.
But what if you faced your fears and instead looked at how far you’ve come and how much progress you’ve made? You have gone from being frustrated and angry with you to being very willing to see you for long periods of time while talking about the future.
I don’t want to be insensitive, but many separated wives would absolutely love this scenario. Plus, you’ve already set it up where you have additional opportunities to bond in the future. You have the family trip you’re looking forward to, where you can hopefully progress even further.
Why it’s vital not to let your fears rush you: What I mean is that, unless he says he’d like to come home right away, your situation is as good as it gets. You have overcome his reservations. You see him regularly and you have plans for the future. And he is showing you affection on a regular basis.
Now, I know you would like to feel more secure about your situation. I know you would like more reassurance from him. But honestly, for me, the best course of action would be to keep doing what you’re doing. And he is still patient.
I know from experience that I ask a lot. Once my husband started giving me positive feedback and our relationship started to heat up again, I took everything in my power to not come well and beg him to come home. But he knew this was a risk. And considering how long it took me to get to the point I was at, it was a risk I didn’t want to take.
I know it might be hard to watch at the moment, but it looks like you’ve found your grove and are making real progress. My suggestion would be to stay the course. I see too many people doing the right thing, but then they can’t resist putting pressure on their husbands once they establish that progress. And most end up regretting it because they either start to avoid them or accuse them of not giving them space.