Finding a good monologue can be a task. Use this monologue as an audition piece, as a way to practice acting regularly, and as a tool to add to your arsenal of tools used by actors. She plays the role of Carol. She is a character who is not afraid to explore marriage and relationships.
The setting is a wedding reception. Carol, a bridesmaid, awkwardly holds a glass of champagne.
CAROL
I’m not much given to public speaking. But for Karen and Brian I would do anything. So I searched for a marriage joke to share this time. Here goes… What’s the difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife? The prostitute says: “Give it to me, Tigre!” The lady says, “Let’s do it again, honey.” And the wife says, “Peach. We should paint the ceiling peach.” Not much fun, huh? Marriage jokes, when you stop to think about them, are really quite sad. I have been married for five years. I also have a two year old son. My parents are divorced. My husband’s parents are divorced. Most of my friends come from broken homes. And most of them are in their second marriages. I don’t want to be a downer on this happy day, but I want to understand it. Oh, I’ve heard all the reasons people break up. “We distance ourselves”. “We got married too young, too soon, too much whatever.”
Everyone always says that they will not make the same mistakes twice. That they will start their new relationship well. But if these people put the energy it takes to start a new relationship into their marriage, divorce may not be the answer. In a society where instant gratification takes too long, people are obsessed with feeling good RIGHT NOW. And then they make stupid decisions. I will never be unfaithful to my husband. Not simply because he is the love of my life. But because I don’t want to be someone who cheats on his spouse. So when the best man came up to me at the rehearsal dinner, he wasn’t flattering me. He was attacking my husband. Assault my son. I don’t get excited about this kind of behavior. I get territorial.
How could you find this predator attractive? Obviously, he’s incredibly self-absorbed to make such a move. Imagine this man’s needs when the passion fades. Oh! I don’t care how handsome he is. Or even that she was mad at my husband last night. It’s not about that. (smiling) A woman marries a man expecting him to change but she doesn’t. A man marries a woman hoping she won’t change and she does. But is that grounds for divorce? No. I’m sure this isn’t what you were expecting as a wedding toast, but I take marriage seriously. Signing your license as a witness is a big deal for me. I love you guys. Do it well. (Back to joke mode) An older couple attends a class to improve their memory. They learn that the trick is to write things down. Late one night, the woman decides that she would like a bowl of ice cream. “I’ll get it,” offers the husband. Vanilla,” she says, “with chocolate sauce.” “Got it,” he replies. “You’d better write it down,” she warns. “No, I’ll remember,” he says. Nuts.” “Vanilla with chocolate sauce and nuts,” he repeats.
“You better write it down,” she says. “No. I’ll remember.” “Oh, and a glass of water,” she adds. “Vanilla with chocolate sauce and nuts and a glass of water.” “Write it.” “No, no, I’ll remember.” A while later she returns with a beautiful tortilla and a glass of orange juice. “Look, I told you to write it down,” she tells him. “You forgot the toast.” Now that’s a marriage joke. (raising her glass) To Karen and Brian. May your marriage be one of forgotten toasts.
(Take a sip of Champaign and smile.)